There’s a measure of clarity that comes when you’re on the 5th night of working past 4am on a project. That clarity pertains primarily to the idea that I am doing work for the sake of saying I’m working instead of working towards a goal. And, upon further assessment, I can genuinely say that I am working on a project that I’d rather not be involved with and in doing so, it reminds me of the fact that I have a consistent streak of being unable to decide on which direction to take projects these days. Such is every other aspect of my life, AND I need to change it.

So, I’m going back to square one.

This time 10 years ago I purchased the domain aldanzopratt.com. I had no real idea what I would use it for and I knew absolutely nothing about the concept of blogging, but I did understand that in terms of branding it would be useful, if for nothing else, the ability to place a web address on my business card¹.

In some form, I’ve had this blog for 8 years, and yet, I only have 150 posts total. In reasoning why, I point to posts like this and this, and finally, this. Indeed, I have deleted all of my old posts and started over every year for the past 4 years. I have no true reason why, save for the idea that I allow the winds of change to sweep me away, leaving my blog rather empty.

Over that same span, I’ve posted (and deleted) some 6,000+ photos between Flickr accounts here, and here, and here… and, even here.

Unable to decide on a particular domain, over the past 8 years this blog has resided at aldanzopratt.com, and aldanzo.com, and aldanzopratt.com, and danzo.tv, and…. alpratt.com. This, of course, is in addition to danzo.org, danzo.info, aldanzopratt.mobi, aldanzopratt.info, danzo.me, alpratt.info, and alpratt.net.

Over the last 3 years, I’ve had 7 different business card designs, 4 alone in the past year.

The consistent themes in my life over the past few years have been dissatisfaction and lack of a singular focus. I have been plagued with the inability to settle on a singular idea or of a plan of action. In assessing, my father has consistently told me that:

I need to discover my passion….

On that point, I am in full agreement. It appears that I’m always searching for that missing piece. There are so many things that I do that others are much more passionate about. I sing, I write a lot, I design for others, I create constantly, I’m engaged in the youth ministry at my congregation, I co-produce an awards show, and yet, none of those individuals items really move me. Even as I pull all of those individual ideas together under an umbrella and term it all Marketing, it still doesn’t drive me on a consistent basis. In terms of work, I go at it hard; I always have. But, none of that is really getting me anywhere in terms of fulfillment. I would spend hours on end in the library researching and studying and trying to be great in school, so much so that I nearly drove myself insane with desire and want. I believe, by my own personal count, I spent 5 consecutive years worth of Fridays in my mid-twenties holed up in my room reading and writing instead of experiencing anything else. I love reading and writing, but even that isn’t my true passion. My parents are constantly telling me that I need to build better relationships; that, in doing so it will allow me to narrow my focus to what truly matters in life. That, in finding solace in that relationship, I will find a passion in something else altogether. I agree. And, that’s something i’m working on constantly.

I’m seeking a change. It’s always unsettling to look back on how indecisive I have been for the past few years. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I never feel comfortable with the overall quality of the work that I’m producing, be it writing, or strategic work, of something arbitrary. I have a tendency to over-do things even while not being thorough and this has caused me to accomplish less, even while doing more in an effort to stay busy. This lack of balance in thinking and working is really killing any forward momentum I build when I finally am able to deliver a finished project.

And, so, I am resolving to simplify everything. I am planning to do less projects this year, but, do those projects BETTER. I want the work that I complete this year to be meaningful. I have made a personal vow to stick with this particular domain for the entire year. I want to see what I can accomplish if my focus is singularly centered on the current project at hand and not on 7 or 8 projects that I need not be involved with.

1. Yeah, I was thinking about business cards and stuff when I was 21 [↩]

I’ve thrown away all of my journals.

For as long as I can remember, they’d been a part of my life, my closest and most trusted friend. They served me well through the years, on days when I felt on edge, or felt like crying, or laughing, or like simply sharing the mundane… It’s always been a part of my life. But, I haven’t written a journal entry in a year and a half.

There’s an almost regressive feeling associated with that sort of writing these days. The purpose of it was so much associated with needing an outlet; that, I was too shy to talk to anyone else, and so I just wrote down my thoughts.

I read an entry from 3 years ago. It talked about how my weight kept falling and how I couldn’t seem to get out of bed anymore. The helplessness of those lines made me realize that I no longer in that place as a person.

There is no great nostalgia to be found in those volumes. There was only angst and uncertainty and I just don’t feel that way anymore. There are plenty of friends to talk to now, plenty of people to communicate with and now I simply write for the joy of writing. I maintain a blog…. But, mostly so I can deliver documents and thoughts on various subject matters, but almost never my feelings.

Life is Good. I’m just enjoying it. Less writing, More living.

Later Days

Simply put, it was the best year of my life….

In 2011, I made a promise to be kinder and gentler, to reach out more to people and allow my feelings to show. I feel like, as I assess the year that was, those qualities allowed me to grow as an individual and therefore allowed me to move past the old me; but, it’s time to evolve from last years me. I’m considerate, and patient, and I’m loving, and a pretty good friend… But, to all those that know me, the two-word combination they would never use to describe me are Kind & Gentle. I’m super nice, but, I am never gonna be warm and fuzzy… I’m just not that person, and, as I tried to force that upon people, it came across many times as disingenuous. And, I want to be as genuine as possible.

2011 was an exercise in branding and rebranding.

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But, at the end of the day, I love the simplicity of Aldanzo Pratt. I love the idea of being who I am. And, I love great color usage.

I feel like returning to the person I’ve always been… The guy who was just humble, though slightly brash, who was always there for his friends and was always thinking.

I’m moving forward. I’m always moving forward, but, for this year, I want to be Incredible. For the first time in years, I’m capable of thinking straight. There’s a clarity that comes with no longer worrying about sickness. I can now go full days and weeks and never think about my illness.

My Resolution: If there is a resolution I’d like to have for 2012 it would be to eat more Taco Bell.. It’s weird… I had Taco Bell for the first time in 6 years the other day… Oh how I missed it!! It was my first true fast food love as a child.

Good Times…

My aim, yet as I live, is for that distant shore.

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Alas, I think my mind is beginning to work again. I can feel the desire to create returning, and it feels mighty good.

Recently, I’ve engaged in a rather intense round of reflection and self-assessment. I had to be honest with my self as to what I really want out of my life in terms of joy. It’s my therapy. And, after having a good conversation yesterday about dating and relationships, it made me even more absolute in my current thinking.

I’m NEVER gonna be THAT GUY.

There’s nothing casual, in my mind, about dating. Relationships are too vital to the overall human experience to just think we’re gonna simply happen upon a great one casually. And, I don’t want to be that guy who jumps from relationship to relationship, ever seeking, never finding never seeking to find. I’ve always said, that it is so important, I don’t want the feeling to be diminished. I want my I love you to feel as genuine as possible. I do not want to have said it to a multitude of women. I’m selfish like that.

And, that’s why I’ll wait. I don’t want a lover-friend, or a jump-off¹, or anything else remotely close to that; It lies in direct contrast to my faith. That, and I want the maximum effect of love. I want it in its most pure form. I want it the way God meant it to be. I don’t want my heart to be overrun with too many emotions based on past experiences. So, I can’t, in my mind, settle for some simplified emotion. I don’t want to simply pass the time.. It isn’t fair. I’d rather wait patiently for something substantial.

I’ve decided that moving on, for me, doesn’t need to include dating. As I conversed, I became increasingly disheartened that my friends continue to tell me to get back out there and start dating. I know they mean well, and, to be honest, I’ve given it some major thought myself; but, the reality is, I just don’t have a real desire to date at the moment. While I don’t wallow in self-pity on a daily basis, I do still feel a lasting effect of the relationship, and I don’t want to simply date – for dating-sake. I’ve always believed that we only get so many genuine experiences in life when it comes to romance… and, I don’t want to waste one of those simply trying to prove to myself that i’m over someone.

So, I move forward….

Even if it takes a lifetime….

I want to be grabbed by love. To touch, and taste it’s goodness.

1. Watching a ton of Basketball Wives these days, and taking random trips to the Urban Dictionary… Yeah, I’m not hip. [↩]